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декември 10, 2005

Days off vs. Holidays?

It's always nice in the end of December to remember the old values like family and close friends, parts of our lives we decide to ignore more or less in favour of career once in a while.

This year my plan is to visit my grandparents. I haven't seen them for 5 years. I'm scared a bit. I mean they have to be older (that's for sure) but that's not the problem. I'm afraid of the aging process. Like every gay guy i guess. Not only that. I'm scared because they're ill, they might die... Sometimes I feel like it would be better to not have any close persons. That way you wont suffer the lost.

The Winter do that trick to me, I get depressed and melancholic. This year supposed to be different. It is NOT. What does this mean? Some things never change...

I'm always amused by people's excitement about the Holidays. I mean why are they so excited? For me, honestly, it's just a few days off. Nice time spent at home where's not cold. I don't have to work, I don't have to do anything, I can just relax and enjoy myself. On the other hand there are those people going around like crazy, buying stuffs they'll never need, drinking lots of alcohol, red noses and cheeks and everything. Am I missing something. Where's this X-mas spirit? Where's the excitement? And why am I going to work on 31 of December? Fuck!

октомври 14, 2005

Old job, new job

Well, today i finally quit my old job at MonitoRR and yesterday i have been at the new office I am about to begin working the next Monday.

Not to tell every dirty detail about the problems I have had during the last week, my ex boss was really rude to me and honestly said I am disappointed by her behaviour. I'll not tell a secret if I say that in Bulgaria this is not an exception. And that I'll not get the money for the last two weeks I was working there. And of course this is a common practice in Bulgaria, too.

But I am not looking back, I am looking forward. I hope at the new place I'll have more chances to develop my skills in marketing and to become a head manager.

And I miss my Dejan. My mom came back without warning at Wednesday evening and I showed her a picture of Dejan, she said she doesn't like him. I was a bit disappointed, I hoped for her to like him, I like him. We'll see.

септември 28, 2005


Ok, maybe not shocked, but truly touched.
A friend of mine gave me a CD today with a movie. He said it's about a love story in the end of WW2. Honestly, I hate movies about the war. But after a day spent watching season one of 'LOST', I really needed something different.

At first I didn't realize what it was all about, so i skipped the first 15 to 20 minutes of the movie and then BANG! Okay, the movies is 'For a lost soldier', the story line tells about a young boy, 10, maybe 12 years old, and a Canadian soldier. They meet after the liberation of Netherlands and they kind of fall in love. Well, that's a shock! I mean isn't this a drastic form of pedophilia? There are a couple of scenes showing the man and the youngster doing sexual stuffs, even having sexual intercourse! But hey, wait. That's not all!

The storyline tells us what the boy feels, what the boys thinks, what the boy wants. And suddenly I realized something. Sadly I remembered my childhood and the difficult times i have had, my parents' divorce, me, being between them, having no friends I could really talk to. And then, the hung lifeguard at the south beach, he's smile and his friendly attitude. I could say I was going on the beach mostly because of him. He was 24 years old, kind of handsome and he always helped me forget the troubles. So, I think, what's the path that distinguish me from a boy falling in love with and older man? Is it there even a minor possibility that I have missed something in my life? Some experience I might have liked? Being in love with somebody for real, no prejudice, no social stress, no back thoughts.

If somebody asked me a day ago what I do think about the relationship between a boy and an adult, I'd surely say - THAT'S SICK, the guy must be in prison and the boy on therapy! Toady, frankly said, I'm not so sure about it. Maybe sometimes the laws of our society are not applicable to all the diversity of human emotions and needs. If not else I think about it, which means I will no longer judge the others by what I have been taught to think about their deeds.

About the movie, I think it's a romantic and sad story about what the friendship and love can be at times.

септември 27, 2005

First entry

Nice day to start something new!
Hopefully this will work well and I will no longer need to send tons of e-mail to all my friends when i want to share some thoughts.

I still have doubts if I should write my blog in English or should I use my native language. I'll have to decide this later on.

The weather is getting cold in Varna, despite the forecast. The one thing that keeps me warm is something i saw on TV the last Sunday: The perfect relationship is when the love for each other is more powerful than the need to be with each other. I think this makes good sense. I'll try to remember it, in case some relationship shows around the corner.